I'm sitting in my favorite hanging chair; the one I can see my whole backyard from, while still keeping an eye and ear out for my kids if they need me. After finishing the last lesson in my Bible study, I received a text from a friend. I don't know why, but after we finished planning a tea date for tomorrow, life stopped for a bit. It was strangely quiet, cool, still, serene . . . I could hear the birds singing, squirrels chattering, and hummingbirds teasing my cats.
I spoke out loud, "Yes, God?"
I began pondering, wondering, searching, digging almost deep enough to hurt (I don't like going there) before I repeated myself, "Yes, God?" One of my cats climbed up on my lap, purred, then rolled up to take one of many naps.
I decided I was to sit a while longer and be still . . . to listen.
Time passed.
A song popped in my head. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qKy9iK_jDc Uh, oh. I've been trying to fight it, not to deal with it, but it's here. Darkness. That place I don't want to visit. But that's just it; I know it's a visit. I need to acknowledge I'm here in order to get out and move somewhere else. I've been here before, though much deeper, and this is not somewhere I want to be!
A second song popped in my head. Anyone who knows me knows songs are always popping in my head and out my mouth. This song is a song that has been a favorite of mine since I was a little girl. Every time I hear this song, it stops me. Every time. Every single time. This time was no different, but this time I didn't have control over my leaky eyes like I usually do.
It's not just the song that gets me. It's what I took from the movie that builds on the memory of what the song meant and means to me. I wonder if anyone remembers Diana Ross in Mahogony. I was a child when I saw it, but it made an impact on my life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3uatcJqt54
For some time now, I've been questioning my life and how it's going. It needs oxygen ~ lots and lots of oxygen.
For me (not every home educating mom, but for me), I accidentally gave up too much of who I am somewhere along the way. It didn't happen in chunks, but bit by bit ~ almost unnoticed ~ like sweeping a floor, not realizing what was swept away was more than dust. Life grew more and more demanding, leaving little time for what I warpingly considered to be frivolous things, so I let them go. Sure, I tried to re-introduce them every now and then, but they seemed to get in the way of what I was "supposed" to be doing.
I lost my direction somewhere along the way. I've been holding to all the things I know are true, following through on all the things I know need to be done, and using the gifts I've received to serve others. Don't get me wrong! Teaching art invigorates me!!! But . . .
I wanted to revisit my blog to remind myself who I was during a time when I was full of life, excitement, joy, silliness, happiness, and most of all, when I was creating art for the sake of creating art ~ not for teaching others to benefit their lives, but for experiencing who God created me to be, just because He created me to be that way.
Why God brings Diana Ross' song to my mind when I'm in a life-rut, I don't know. God uses what He knows will capture our attention for the betterment of who He wants us to be.
Do I know where I'm going to? No. Do I like the things that life is showing me? No. Am I headed in the right direction? YES! God, I need more purple in my life!
Hello blog, my old friend. It's good to visit you again.
